Dear Hadlee

Hadlee,

I have to tell you, I'm scared. I'm petrified. Just five short weeks before I get to see your tiny hands wrapped around my finger. There are so many, 'what ifs' sprinting through my head. What if I'm not a good mom? What if I say, "no" too often, and, "yes" too seldom? What if the bath water is too hot? What if you roll off the bed; will I forgive myself? What if my sailor mouth never resides, as much as I try. I'm doing my best to cut down on those 'f' words, and dammits, but I still find myself having bad days, saying those bad words. What happens when you cry, and I don't know how to make it better? Who's going to comfort me when the tears are running down my face, because I can't figure out how to make yours stop? What will I do when I'm running on E, and you have a full tank? Will you even like me?

All I know at this point is that I have half the energy, and twice the appetite. Daddy has to tie my shoes for me. I don't sleep much these days. Heart burn is the worst, I get full too quickly, and hungry too fast, but I don't care about any of it, because I am madly in love with you already.

Sometimes I lay in my just laughing at the way you make me feel. I only smile when I think about you.

If you are ever cranky in there because your suddenly woken from your tiny naps, you can thank your impatient daddy. When he wants to feel your little kicks, he pokes and shakes, yells your name, and says silly things hoping it will make you dance. Does it, Hadlee? Do you dance to the sound of your daddy's voice? You're going to love him, baby. Your dad is the very best, and he will make you giggle more than any person in your life. He will make you so happy when you are the saddest. He will most likely say yes, more than I will. He is my very best friend, and he will be yours too!

You aren't coming into this home alone, baby. You already have two brothers, and one sister. You've heard from you sister, she talks to you a lot. Addi will teach you all about red lipstick, and how necessary it is before you go to the grocery store. Kellen will teach you how to dance, and all about violence. Peyton will show you what it's like to be completely selfless. You already have so much love and support; so many teachers already. You are a very, very lucky girl.

Sometimes I google strange things, like, 'how to be a good mom', amongst other silly things. It's apparent there is no right answer to that question. I only know one thing for certain; that I love you more than anything on this planet; From there things should fall in place. You are my number one, and I haven't even met you. I love you, Hadlee Gray. Get here safe so I can kiss those already chubby cheeks.

Love, mom

3d Ultrasound 7.11.15